i wish i had a penguin friend: January 2007

a compilation of the most bizarre emails I have gotten from being on a dating site
I'd like to meet you, and we live close to each other.

You like the macabre - I play the Theremin musical instrument, which has a macabre sound - good for halloween parties.

That's a long drive to Santa Monica, and a short drive to my house. I own it. A nice 3 bedroom house in a quiet neighborhood, where we can work on projects together, such as art, technology. That's where I built my theremins, and the other weird gadgets that I'm working on.

I'd like to walk around the neighborhood with you, and talk about anything and everything.

Women say I'm warm-blooded. They like to curl up with me on
cold nights. Other people are wearing coats, but I'm in
a short-sleeve T-shirt and wondering why they are cold ?

Lots of walking here at the university. I'm taking a class this semester. ( Cal State Northridge )

Do you shop at Trader Joe's ?

Do you enjoy being Slowly undressed by a man ? I'll stroke and
caress your skin everywhere as I slowly take off your clothes.

I will hold you and hug you for a long time after the sex is complete.

Looking forward to spending time with you, you'll like my house.

I think a lot, and am constantly learning something new.
Have a good imagination, use things in unusual ways.

Would you like to join me for a trip to the Museum of Neon Art ?
You'll like that !

Taught for a year in 2003, now I'm learning again - in a classroom.

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hi hows it going? my name is ___ and your profile caught my eye - for reasons that you will have to hear me out on and keep an open mind to.. im about to offer you something very fun, and adventurous.. this may be an excuse to do that one thing "wild and crazy" that you draw up in your head when you daydream.. thing that youve had the itch to do before, but never had the guts to follow through with them.. people always SAY "yeah i wanna try this before i die" but they dont actually do it.. im a person who actually does those things, and perhaps deep down inside you'd like to live out things and/or fantasies that you only say to yourself, "id like to try that one day"..

let me explain further, im from louisiana (n.o area) - im not looking for a relationship or anything of the sort, but very simply put - extreme sexual pleasure for us both... im really, really, really open minded and i hope you are too, because this is a once in a lifetime offer for us both.. what im offering you is the chance for my to travel there, wine and dine you for 1-3 days, and totally focus on pleasuring you.. every say to yourself: "screw it, i need a guy to take me, pleasure me, and satisfy my every erotic want, need and desire - all very discreetly, without worrying about his own sexual pleasure"? most women would be lying if they said theve never THOUGHT It before, but now's your chance to DO it...

dont feel any pressure when it comes to this, think about it (preferably not too long) or if you know right away that this is something you want to do, feel free to write back... hopefully my laid back/intellectual/honest approach to this (and not forceful or rude) will lead you to consider this offer... and if youre NOT interested, plz dont waste either of our time by writing back and you will never hear another peep out of me.. if this sounds like something youre interested in, write back and tell me that youre interested, and tell me a little more about yourself. just look at it like this: life can get really crazy and/or stressful sometimes, and sometimes we need something like this to take our mind off of things.. sometimes its good to worry about your own needs vs. always trying to please others, maybe you deserve this? let me know if youre interested :)

and dont worry about travel/money or that i dont live near you.. as money is not an issue here :)

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Hey my name is __ and I just got on ___(thats why I don't have a profile yet) I'm an 18yr old freshman at a socal univeristy majoring in physics and economics. I'm 5'5 with brown hair and glasses, I can send you a pic later if your interested. I'm looking for a unique relationship with an older women. I want an older woman to teach me what a girl wants in a man. I don't want it to be about just sex though that will be a component. I'd like a woman to teach me both how to please her on a date and how to please her in bed. I also want someone I can cuddle with for hours and talk about anything with. If your interested at all send me a message and I can send you more information about myself.

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You are simply Intoxicating. Take a look at my Posting and let me know if you are the least bit interested. I would be Honored for the Opportunity to Befriend an Enchantress such as Yourself.

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Hello,
How are u doing . My name is ___ and
am from U. S. A South Dakota GARDEN CITY is my city My
Father is an American but i was burn and brought up
in Netherland with my Mum, I am the only Son of my
parents but i lost them when i was 20 and i stayed alone with
my Son (David). I lost my wife Serelyn last five years
ago and she left the world for David and. I
have been alone struggling for David and I since
then and life has been there. I have all i want
except some one to call my Wife. I need a wife......i
need someone to love i cant hold it anymore i need
someone to get use to maybe when i come i can have
someone to keep me company and someone i could shear
my life with. Well how are you doing..? I just want you
to know how precious you are to people you dont think
you are precious to....And you have got an adorable
look and smile on your pretty face....I was going
through your profiles and i saw your profile i could not talk to any
one else..Than to talk to you...I hope u dont mind..
And am ...From ...South Dakota......my boy is
just 20 years old.....I am single...I like to know you
more than reading your profiles cos its going to be
very interesting knowing you....add me if you are
interested in me .......email
me on my yahoo and send me your email so we can
have a nice chat together much care from me.
Here is my yahoo email account ______

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Hi! My name's ___ and I live near Burbank. I just joined this site, and I would love to masturbate for you in person, no strings attached.

Please contact me if interested.

My email is _______

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Last year, while riding a Glendale commuter rail to see someone very beautiful, my train crashed into a deep, SUV-shaped sleep. A man as hopeless as I had been just days before had decided to take his own life. At the last moment, after perching his vehicle on the tracks, with second thoughts weighing heavy on his heart, he fled, leaving Death, thirsty for the blood he unshed, looking for victims in his stead. Stripped of its burly front locomotion by the plastic progress of industry, his ride devoured mine. Guzzled it like gas.
In the hospital, where transparent tubes and stinging serum met my circuitry of flesh, I did not dream. Inside, the tides of my mind churned with the moons. My heart, pumping blood with all of a leaky faucet’s force, played the longest chiptune solo in its career, though it wasn’t much of a listen. Machines more alive than I cycled life through two pink balloons. There was only the sound of waiting, breathing. I drank, but withered; ate, but thinned; rotted from the outside in. As time passed, I was watched over by an angel and a nurse. Would my eyes ever open upon her? They’d stayed stuck shut since… well.
We had met long before the internet lost its capital letter. Back when online dates were urban legends that ended in blood-sopped black bags. I would’ve risked it then, if she wasn’t a USA away. Instead, I watched from afar through a lens of glass-capped zeroes on a tripod of ones, as she flourished into a woman, and I flourished into a little boy with a slightly bigger throat. If we couldn’t have each other, an e-other was the next best thing.
At the time I was housed in an ivory tower, cursed with eternal childhood by my guardian, a woman befitting of animated Disney villainy. I was prevented from having a job, transportation, or the means to accomplish simple tasks – bills, shopping, laundry –anything that would deem me capable of meeting the conditions in my mother’s will. For trying to break this trend (or necks, if you believe the 911 transcript), I spent a night in a jail cell, letting my socks soak up the floor’s urine as I paced, and, later, attended “submission therapy,” where I learned it wasn’t healthy to compare myself to other people. I had all the time in the world to suck sour milk from a wrinkled teat, and pacify myself with whatever toys I wished. What I didn’t have was Hope.
She had had the opposite doom of parental expulsion, left to her own devices, which included a mirrored makeup case to blind thugs on sunny days and little else. Taken in by the owner of a dying breed of diners, she was kept fed, and taken out by his son, she was kept loved. Day by day, she picked a few more shards of her life from the curb where they had been dumped. Over the first half-decade of the millennium, in our respective campaigns of wreck and repair, we shared many things. Things which would be warm if they could be held. We incubated our hopes and dreams in secret from our lovers, waiting for opportunity to hatch.
And then, one January day when the sun was separating soot from snow, it did. After arriving at the end of a checklist of goals featuring, among others, GED attainment and a medical career, she at long last had a place she could call her own. A place where she could make and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, naked, at three in the morning, if she pleased. She invited me to visit, if not start a new life on the other side of the nation, over mountains and cornfields and deserts and asphalt spaghetti. Desperate to live, knowing full-well my on-rails life would be otherwise headed for disaster, I obliged.

On eBay, I sold enough for a bus to Boston and a plane to Los Angeles. I packed light. No wallet, no ID. Just a five-year-old photo and an address scribbled in an excited alphabet on the back of it. I folded her into a cross of creases. I took that flag of red hair, white skin, and blue eyes out of my pocket every few miles twixt two coasts and pondered its changes. Were there more stars now twinkling in her navy gaze? Had that fiery head grown longer and warmer, or did it crackle down into short cinders? Maybe taller, more ageworn. Endless possibilities lay before me, embodied in her.
But none were chosen. In the end, it was I that lay before her, deaf and blind and without mind. An engine of organs, pumping away. I am often asked how I feel about all this. The truth is that there is no sorrow or fury in me, and never was, any more than a clock’s swinging pendulum can be sad or mad or do anything but tick tock the time away. On that plane and train, my heart stirred young and fresh, and so it resumed upon reentry, with no gap between. With human strain, my lids lifted, slowly, revealing my tired earthy iris. There to meet them were hers, like the sea meeting the shore.